Hogan Calls For Nation To Apologise


A VISIBLY frustrated Phil Hogan has expressed his disappointment in the Irish people who have yet to formally apologise for ruining what was otherwise a very pleasant visit to Ireland and a real stomper of a night out with the lads at last week’s golf dinner in Galway.

“I’m too busy getting ready to save everyone’s arse when it comes to Brexit to be dealing with this petty nonsense,” fumed Hogan, reminding everyone that an Irish EU trade Commissioner such as himself doesn’t come along very often ‘for you plebs’.

“So I’d better start getting treated the way I deserve, or who knows, maybe a few hundred thousand jobs are suddenly in that little bit more jeopardy, if you know what I mean,” he added.

Hogan went on to stress that while he is expecting a blanket apology from everyone for everything, he specifically wants full written apologies from;

– the garda who had the gall to pull him over for using his phone while driving on the way to the event
– the hotel which failed to put into place the necessary mechanics to have the golf event pass health restrictions, plus the beef was a little tough
– the population of Kildare for being reckless enough to cause a second lockdown and making him look bad for being there before golfgate
– Dara Calleary for resigning like a little bitch, making the Irish people think there was going to be repercussions for any of this
– the journalists who put their own selfish desire to report things ahead of Phil Hogan’s greater good
– Micheál Martin for not telling everyone to fuck off and leave Big Phil alone, promptly
– George Foreman for promising a culinary experience that his grills have so far failed to live up to.

“Tick tock”, concluded Hogan, pointing to his Rolex.

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