The Best “I’m Not Wearing A Mask Because” Excuses We’ve Heard


MASK WEARING to help prevent the spread of Covid-19 seemed like a straight forward, non-contentious practice easily endorsed by those wanting to ensure their own healthy and safety and that of those around them.

However, it has transpired that not everyone can, will or wants to wear a face mask. WWN has collected the best “I’m not wearing a mask because” excuses below and discovered that each reason is grounded in reasonable and well researched information:

“If God wanted me to wear a mask he would have sent me a sign of some sort, like a global airborne pandemic and overwhelming scientific consensus on the efficacy of wearing facial coverings but until something like that comes along, I ain’t wearing no mask, thank you very much”

“I’m not wearing a mask because my smile is my best feature, and it’d be a shame if I had to hide it in my final weeks before contracting and dying from Coronavirus”

“I suffer from a rare form of undiagnosed occasional opt-in asthma that conveniently rears its head when I’m asked to wear a mask to save some lives”

“Excuse me but my mother was killed by a mask. Not everyone refusing to wear one is a loon. She was on the production line of a PPE factory when a giant bald eagle swooped in and pecked her eyes out so you’ll excuse me if I don’t wear a so-called ‘safe’ mask”

“What if a portal to the Outworld opens up and, mistaking me for Sub-Zero, Scorpion appears and rips my spine out?”

“A mask is actually bad for your health” – most uttered by an old school friend who spent 5 years in secondary school sniffing glue

“I’m not some conspiracy nut lunatic, I just don’t wear one on account of the little baby spiders Bill Gates hides in every one of those vaccinated 5G compatible face masks that are programmed to share your internet search history with your wife”

“Some people that I don’t like won’t be able to see me scowling at them, so they might think the feud is over. it isn’t!”

“I’m a grown adult and I dunno, I haven’t quite developed the level of intelligence required to purchase and wear a face mask without feeling like it’s some sort of massive ordeal or big ask, I’m kind of pathetic I know”

“Wearing a mask is in direct violation of my constistupidtional rights as an American”

“What if I have Covid in one nostril and I pass it to the other? Who do I sue if that happens?”

“Jokes on you assholes trying to shame me for not wearing one, I actually have a signed note from my doctor which says ‘this bitch wouldn’t leave me the fuck alone until I signed some bullshit about oxygen crystals, she’s your problem now’ so ha!”

“Hey buddy, if my wife can’t get me to wear underwear around the house, which is basically a face mask for my dick ‘n balls, what chance has anyone else of getting me to wear a face mask in public?”

“I’m a doctor, and I wear masks all day. Sometimes I just want a little me time, with my face out in the open. Is that too much to ask?”

“My mam doesn’t recognise me through the peephole in the front door and she won’t let me in. I’ve been here for an hour. It’s me Mam!”

“Wearing one is not conducive to getting to fully enjoy my being coughed on fetish”