“We’re Taking This Seriously” Johnson Confirms From Pub, 6 Pints In


“WE’RE making every effort to limit this spread, businesses will be supported, just practice social distancing,” confirmed UK PM Boris Johnson, who is now conducting all Covid-19 related emergency briefings down his local, The Winchester, such is his festering nonchalance.

Acutely aware of how much of a positive impact his behaviour and communications could have on the future health, wellbeing and ongoing successful oxygen breathing of the public, Johnson, as usual, declined to lead by example.

“Make it a double barman,” Johnson said to loud cheering from his cabal of advisors, just hours after it was revealed Johnson is ‘patient zero’ for the spread of a particularly severe strain of Complacent Ineffectual Twat with estimates putting the numbers infected in the millions.

“We could not be taking this matter more seriously,” Johnson indicated, amid a rumoured shutdown and closing off of London.

“We got through the war, so let’s not get our nickers in a twist over a little pandemic, hey. What’s going to happen, it’s going to kill what little remains of the actual generation that survived the war? Piffle!”

Six pints in and returning from the toilet after failing to wash his hands, Johnson damped down his crotch where some excess urine soaked through his trousers before ambling towards a table of people, his eyes firmly on mauling the packet of pork scratching on the table.

“We’ll all laugh about how we were all worried about this thing for nothing like fools, when only the elderly die,” Johnson continued, pork scratching debris firing out from his full mouth.

“Kebab o’clock!” shouted Johnson while pointing to the exit before marching with his aides and chanting a classic Eton song.