Mortgage Applications: Everything You Need


HAD enough of renting? Sick of living with Mum & Dad? Ready to move on with that special someone, or just looking to go it alone? Well, you’re about to get a look at the big, bad world of mortgage applications, where bank after bank offer you the sun, moon and the stars as long as you can handle the following:

1) So much paperwork!

Passport applications? Drivers licences? Name changed by deed poll? You may have filled out some paperwork in your time, but nothing has prepared you for the mortgage application. But hey, relax! You can get through this.

All you need is an account of every cent you’ve ever made in your life and what you’ve spent it on, a receipt from everyone who has ever given you money, including First Communion, Confirmation, your 21st and then back all that up with data on where it all went: hookers, gambling, down the back of the sofa. What are you doing reading this? Get compiling! The government has stated time and time again that people on the average wage should easily be able to do this, so what are you? Some sort of lazy bastard? Get it done.

2) Willingness

Once you’ve collected all that paperwork, you need to show a willingness to commit to the mortgage process. Sure, you say you’re focused on owning a home, making repayments every month for the next 35 years but do you mean it?

What would you do to prove it, eh? Would you kill a man? Would you? We’re serious. There he is, bag over his head. You don’t need to worry about who he is, or what he’s done. You’ll never know. Just take the gun and do it. You want that house, don’t you?

See? Not so hard, is it? We’re surprised more people don’t apply for their own home sooner. Why go to all the hassle of being trapped in a rental quagmire when you can simply prove to a bank that you have the ability to hand over the vast majority of your salary every four weeks for the second half of your useful life, as well as make a down payment using every last cent of your savings over the first half of your useful life? It gets to the point where it becomes apparent that some people just don’t seem to want to help themselves.