Rees Mogg Straps Steam Powered Explosive To Chest, Demands Worst Brexit Possible

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STUDIOUSLY fanning steam up a copper tube via a Victorian era foot pump, Jacob Rees Mogg has finally snapped, insisting that it isn’t enough to simply vote down a deal when there is room to also plan the very worst possible Brexit that could cause the greatest hardship for working class and vulnerable Britons.

“My dear fellows, what hath transpired here is a dereliction of conveying meaning,” Mogg stated as he loaded gun powder into a serious of inkwells strapped to his chest, which appeared to be part of an improvised explosive device.

If his demands aren’t met, the 18th century child snatcher will be left with no other option but to light a 12 furlong fuse which would set off large explosives ferried into Parliament Square via a steam powered carriage.

Unsheathing a Gothic hilted British infantry sword from 1822, Mogg speaking now exclusively in Latin, demanded the sovereign will of the people to die of cholera, and have only a most rudimentary toilet and sewage systems be upheld by parliament.

The elongated HB pencil who successfully grew back his virginity says he will detonate his device if his demands are not met. Mogg became startled and angered by members of the media who gathered to take his picture.

“Cease your infernal flashing, you will not steal my soul with that devilish contraption. Take your witchcraft elsewhere!”

Outlining his demands in full Mogg, London’s only adult chimney sweep, concluded by stating “look old chap, it’s frightfully simple; the people want British soldiers killing its own citizens in Irlande du Nord, ransacking Rhodesia for minerals, resign the Treaty of Balta Liman and put children back down the mines. The good old days”.

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Posted by Waterford Whispers News on Thursday, 14 February 2019
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