AS is looking likely, Theresa May’s Brexit deal will be voted down by the Houses of Parliament tomorrow during the crunch vote on the Withdrawal Agreement, but what is less clear is what happens next.
Rumours that May will delay the vote cannot change the fact that when it is voted on she will likely be handed a major defeat.
WWN, using one of those big computers you see in science fiction movies from the 1960s, has considered all the permutations and can confirm 7 direct consequences of a no vote on May’s deal, and just what it means going forward.
1) As a symbol for the mournful mood of Great Britain, The Queen will be flown at half mast on top of Buckingham Palace for the rest of the week.
2) “0101001010110101” – Theresa May’s motherboard will be unable to process the bad news of the deal being voted down and she will overheat. After her cooling system fails, she will visibly malfunction and catch fire. A quick thinking Tory MP loyal to the prime minister will put the fire out and try turning her on and off again. However, it is thought she will suffer a critical systems failure and have to be replaced.
3) Learning of the prospect that a No Deal is now the likely prospect, toothless, jobless racists will take to the streets and celebrate wildly at the news they have outsmarted the EU ‘experts’ and can now look forward to a glorious future in which the supply of medicines their nan needs to live will run out, resulting in her untimely death. Universal Social Credit will then kill them too in the following weeks.
4) Boris Johnson will use some of the £52,000 in income that he failed to declare to the Commons to hire a team of hairdressers to ruffle up his hair, transforming him into the lovable buffoon the public so love. Then from the steps outside the Houses of Parliament he will tell the media he agrees with Priti Patel’s plans to starve the Irish, and adds there is no better time to reinstate the colony of the Southern Rhodesia and restart the Falklands War. He will demand Jeremy Clarkson be made Top Gear host again.
5) Jacob Rees Mogg and his acolytes will proudly declare now is the time to go back to Brussels and renegotiate the Brexit Deal with the EU. The EU will tell Mogg to “fuck off” and remind “the rich spectacled twat trapped in the body of a 49-year-old perma-virgin” that this is the only deal on the table and has been for much of the past two years, but he knew that already.
6) Nigel Farage will be invited onto the BBC again. And again. And again. And again. To discuss what a betrayal of the people it is to be unable to deliver unicorns stuffed with money. He will later appear on the QVC Shoping Channel to sell his new line of racist cuff links.
7) A bare-chested Jeremy Corbyn will ride into the Houses of Parliament on a stallion, the saviour of the people of Britain. Delivering a passionate speech for the ages, Corbyn will declare that were he elected prime minister he too could help plunge Britain into an uncertain future with no food and medicine that would result in a small minority of only the poorest people dying.