Ireland To Ground All Flights Until Joe Schmidt Agrees To Stay


FLIGHTS in and out of all Irish airports have been grounded indefinitely until such a time as the rugby loving portion of the Nation can convince Joe Schmidt to reverse his decision to leave his coaching post after the 2019 Rugby World Cup.

The risk of Schmidt successfully boarding a flight at the end of his tenure in 2019 and returning to his native New Zealand has been judged to great to allow planes to continue to operate over Irish skies.

“I know some of you had holidays booked, need to get home for Christmas, travel for business and so on but this is too important. We can’t let Schmidt leave on a plane until we’re 100% certain he’s only going for a weekend away or something like that,” confirmed Iarla O’Dowd, head of the newly formed Big Rugby Lads Crying Uncontrollably, Oh God Joe! Don’t Leave Us, Please or BRLCUOGJDLU for short.

BRLCUOGJDLU, using connections carefully accrued over a lifetime of going to one of those private schools have secured the permanent grounding of flights and will only reopen in the event of Schmidt, Ireland’s tactician in chief, reversing his decision to leave.

“This is worse then when the wife bloody left me,” confirmed one sobbing rugby fan, “and she left on my birthday. For my best friend.”

While many fans acknowledge the decision by Schmidt can’t have been an easy one, the decision draw the bridge on travel out of Ireland remains in place until members of BRLCUOGJDLU convince him to stay or just get all of their crying out of the way.

“You don’t understand,” confirmed another tormented rugby fan, “this heartache is as potent as 1,000 teenagers being dumped for the first time, only they’re being dumped by the greatest rugby coach to ever grace the game”.

Those not well versed in rugby have been asked to be patient and allow fans the week to get over all this before they return to being themselves again.