What’s It Like To Be From Cork? We Investigate
PEOPLE from Cork are often referred to as arrogant and insufferable pricks who would win every Olympic gold medal if ignorance and bluster were sporting events.
Harmless observations aside, the question remains – is this true? What are people from Cork really like, and what is it like to hail from the Rebel county, the place those irritating langers refer to as the ‘the People’s Republic’?
WWN, in a bid to either prove or disprove the good-natured jibes about people from Cork being complete and utter bastards, went undercover.
Unbeknownst to a young Cork couple we smuggled ourselves into the womb of one Deirdre Hinglety, posing as her and her husband Michael’s child, we were given birth to 9 months later (If you think this involved placing ourselves inside of a condom, poking holes in it and fertilising an egg you are only 46% correct).
Now ‘technically’ we were born in Cork, to Cork parents. We were, as the county’s Cork Supremacists call it, ‘pure Cork’.
All that was left now was to immerse ourselves in our Corkness, grow up in Cork, go to school in Cork. Live, eat, breathe Cork. Only then would we be able to report with full authority on what it was like to be from Cork.
Soon, the seemingly ‘unknowable’ was becoming known. Living daily in Cork, talking to people from Cork, discussing Cork things we began to get a feeling for the essence of Corkness.
Some 27 years later on from posing as Deridre and Michael’s unusually large and articulate newborn child with a heavy Waterford accent, we can report being from Cork isn’t just a case of being arrogant and anti-Dublin and everywhere else.
How foolish and how ignorant we had been. It was a lot more sinister than this. Infinitely so. What do people from Cork do when no one’s looking? We have the shocking, stomach turning facts.
Sure, it looks like they maintain a largely similar Irish life to everyone else in the country. They have roads, schools, shops, sports team and so on.
But they’re preparing for a war folks.
Every morning in Cork schools when they’re sure no non-Cork heads are watching the blackboards are flipped to reveal endless Cork propaganda etched in chalk.
When we were pretending to be as young as 4 we were marched in formation in school yards warned to prepare for ‘Judgement Day’. This is done with every citizen of Cork form this age onwards.
Judgement Day is of course when Corkonians will rise up and seal off the county from outsiders, declaring independence.
Gathering 27 year’s worth of counter intelligence we left behind Deirdre and Michael who we had become quite attached to it must be said and we presented our findings to an Garda Síochána up in Dublin.
As a senior garda poured over the undeniable facts of a genocidal plan aimed at eradicating everyone in Ireland not from Cork, the garda asked us to wait in a cell as his eyes turned red, which upon reflection we should have seen as a bad sign.
We waited patiently when suddenly the cell door opened and there they were; Simon Coveney, Roy Keane, Diarmuid ‘The Rock’ O’Sullivan, Anna Geary, the ghost of Jack Lynch, Sonia O’Sullivan, Cillian Murphy and Daithi O Se.
“What are you doing here O Se, you’re from fucking Kerry?” we asked, a bit confused. “Shut up, you think I’m gonna side with the losers in this war?” he responded, which is fair enough.
Then suddenly their eyes all turned a bright, incandescent shade of red.
“Forget what you’ve fucking seen,” they all said in unison.
So yeah, in summary being from Cork is grand and there’s nothing sinister going on, so we can all sleep soundly tonight.