Local Dickhead Spends 45 Minutes Choosing Craft Beer


A LOCAL Dublin dickhead with a penchant for only the finest, most ludicrously named craft beers has been in his local off licence agonising over which craft beers to place in his basket for nearly 45 minutes, WWN can exclusively reveal.

28-year-old Gary Penrose’s personality and self of self worth is so closely wrapped up in craft beer appreciation it appears he is incapable of just grabbing the one craft beer on special offer, like any other discerning beer hipster.

“I read the back of the labels and everything, just so I look like I proper expert,” Penrosed confessed as he clutched a 330ml can of something called Witches Sperm Spikey IPA, whose label indicated they were the sort of no bullshit craft beer with a serious personality, similar to the 97 other brands on the shelves.

“This one has a nice design and label, but this one is 9%. I don’t know which one makes me look cooler. Please help me,” Penrose then pleaded, appearing to be frozen on the spot completely unable to finalise a purchase for fear one wrong selection could see him labeled a ‘fucking loser who doesn’t know the first thing about beer but just wants to look cool because that’s still important to him despite his age’.

“I mean, that’s entirely true but I don’t other people to know that,” concluded Penrose, unaware that 14 other single men in their late 20s/early 30s were also in the off licence and frozen on the spot having found themselves in the exact same predicament.