Man Held Captive In Topman Skinny Jeans For 3 Years


FRESH negotiations between authorities and a pair of Topman brand jeans belonging to a local Waterford man have been abandoned after the tight jeans yet again refused to allow the man to liberate himself from the confines of his skinny-legged prison.

Andy Gorrans (23) was an innocent, fashion conscious student way back in 2015 when he paid for a pair of black skinny jeans in Topman on Dublin’s Grafton St. completely unaware it would spark off 3 years of captivity hell.

“He just thought he’d wear them out for a student night in the Workman’s and that’d be it, but then the fuckers were so tight, they refused to let him go,” a friends of Gorrans shared, detailing how the arts student was first trapped by the jeans.

A slender 29 inch waist, Gorrans opted for a ‘skinny fit’ and has been unable to break free ever since despite multiple escape attempts.

“He tried to escape once by pulling the zipper down but that was so tight it just pulled on his pubic hair, I’ve never heard screams like it,” the friend added.

“Just let the idiot hipster go,” the Garda Negotiation Unit (GNU) pleaded with the jeans which were keeping Gorrans’s legs captive in his bedroom.

A tactical raid may be carried out later this evening under the cover of darkness, however, GNU members armed with scissors have failed in all practice attempts carried out on a mannequin, with all dry runs ending poorly for the mannequins involved.