Cervical Cancer Tests To Automatically Come With 2nd, 3rd & 4th Tests


IRISH WOMEN undergoing cervical cancer checks will now automatically receive a second, third and fourth test in a bid to avoid having a possible diagnosis missed due to a harmless error that women shouldn’t get needlessly worked up over.

Senior figures in the HSE, allowed only 178 separate scandals per week before the public stops giving them the benefit of the doubt, are in the firing line again after a number of women who were given a cervical cancer check had their cancer diagnosis missed and were subsequently not notified of this fact.

However, in a bid to curb such normal, everyday Irish health service inconveniences for women, a new cervical screening system is to be put in place to bolster the CervicalCheck service which has saved countless lives through screening and early prevention despite the recent controversy.

“We’re just going to do 50 of these tests on each individual to be sure, ‘cus it looks like we don’t have a clue what we’re doing, and when we finally figure it out, we might not tell you,” said one spokesperson, citing the news last week that as many as 442 women affected may not have been informed. The spokesperson then issued the HSE’s template apology statement.

Women concerned they have been affected by the failures in the National Cervical Screening programme have been told to rest easy and take heart from the slow, ineffectual response of the HSE and the government to the controversy.

“If you could just tell that voice in your head to stop spending every second paralysed by fear and anguish, we might get around informing you eventually so really, what’s there to worry about,” explained a spokesperson in charge of the carrier pigeons delivering the news.

The Minister for Health has confirmed that anyone wishing to retake a smear test will be able to so free of charge, however, experts in the HSE have asked these women not to hold their breath while waiting.