Tom Cruise To Open New Rehab Centre In Meath


HOLLYWOOD superstar Tom Cruise was on hand to break ground on a new rehab centre in Meath today, which will operate in the village of Ballivor, a town of 1,700 people and will cater for 34 patients.

The utter disgust and shock with which the nation met the news of a shady Scientologist-run drug rehabilitation centre opening in Meath subsided moments after the huge star flashed his Hollywood smile while cutting a red ribbon this morning.

“I was against this thing, and the harm it could do for so many reasons, but that Cruise lad is alright by me,” said one Meath local after seeing a picture of the Mission Impossible star posing in a local pub with a pint of Guinness.

While WWN was initially sceptical of a cultish organisation with a long history of abuse and oppression opening a rehab centre of all things, we must place on record our praise for Cruise, whose already iconic and historic visit to Meath will be marked with the construction of a Tom Cruise Commemorative Petrol Station.

Cruise will be Dublin later this evening to receive the freedom of Dublin City, before going on to attend a dinner in his honour in Dublin Castle, attended by the great and good of Ireland. Fans of the star can look forward to his appearance of this Friday’s Late Late Show which he graciously prerecorded this morning.

Currently there are no regulations governing private rehabilitation centres in Ireland, meaning anyone or any organisation can set one up. WWN is now taking bookings for its Cold Turkey Centre in Waterford City.