Government Hires Unspin Unit To Tackle Spin Unit Mistakes
THE government has acted decisively in a bid to stave off accusations that they have, in collusion with cash-strapped media outlets, essentially spent taxpayer’s money on lying to the taxpayer by paying a private Unspin Unit to correct the spinning of the government’s Spin Unit, WWN has confusingly learned.
“We know how wildly inappropriate this behaviour is. You can’t use public funds to pay newspapers to essentially lie to the public, and if this country’s electorate wasn’t so apathetic everyone would have to resign,” explained Unspin Unit’s independent director Henry Ballins, who was in college with someone in the Spin Unit, and is a drinking buddy of several ministers and newspaper editors.
“All this we know, but what we need to do is make it look like the Spin Unit isn’t going to spin anymore, and that they’re very sorry, but we have do this in such a way as so it doesn’t look like this is what we’re doing. We’re going to spin it like we’re not spinning it. Do you follow me? Good, cus my head’s starting to hurt with all the mental gymnastics,” added the Unspin Unit director.
The Unspin Unit’s mission if it chooses to accept it is to unspin the spinning of the Communications Unit and to reduce words, actions and facts which are damaging to the government into meaningless utterances via a series of, as the Unspin Unit calls them, ‘wanky neverending hyperbolic word blast vomits’.
“Shit, shit, shit, maybe, what if we like say the Spin Unit doesn’t exist anymore and just send us all to different PR positions within different government departments?” wondered a panicked Communications Unit before the Unspin Unit experts intervened.
“What we want is to make this look as clear and as transparent an admission of fault by the government without it actually being an admission of guilt, and we want to ensure it carries none of the normal consequences you’d associate with gross misuse of public funds. We’re de-scandalising a scandal by un-informing the information so that stupid Joe Public can feel like something was done about it,” added the man, who charges by the minute.
“If this is very confusing to you, then I know I’m doing a good job,” concluded the unspinner.