It’s The WWN World Cup Qualifying Preview (WWNWCQP)


TODAY’S preview of Ireland’s match against Wales sees everyone facing up to the prospect that we’re probably going to win the World Cup:

While Wales are missing 3-time Champions League winner Gareth Bale through injury, it has been pointed out one last time that he is no Seamus Coleman. Wales manager Chris Coleman has also been forced to downplay rumours Seamus Coleman is his father in the build up to the game.

Amazingly the green army will have an estimated 90,000 fans inside the Cardiff City stadium despite it only having a capacity of 33,000. A further 400,000 Irish fans have already begun queuing up outside stadiums in Russia, in anticipation of World Cup glory.

Goal-shy Shane Long will be absent from tonight’s game through injury, meaning he is just as likely to score tonight as if he were actually on the field of play.

What result Ireland needs to qualify: Fans have been advised against trying to figure out all the various results and scenarios that could see Ireland qualify for the playoffs, as several Irish supporters’ heads have already exploded trying to keep track of all the possibilities.

If Ireland fail to advance to the playoffs, it could put a dent in Russia’s World Cup plans as without the Green Army, soundness levels at the tournament will drop by 234%, leaving Russian authorities with no feel-good craic stories to distract from hooligans beating the shit out of fans.

Tactics: Sources within the Irish camp have confirmed Martin O’Neill is under no illusions tonight, as the master tactician is well aware his side must attack in a bid to secure a win, which is why he will play a back 10, with Daryl Murphy given the responsibility of being hit in the head area by aimless Irish clearances from defence.

Guinness World record monitors will be on hand to observe the game if James McClean starts. He is on course to smash the record for most patriotic running, kicking and shouting for an international footballer.

Irish TV viewers have pleaded with RTÉ and Eamon Dunphy not to use the word ‘guile’ this evening, going as far as to confirm they will pledge €40 million to charity if the word goes unsaid.

The FAI has already confirmed that was Martin O’Neill’s side to lose by 6 goals in a devastatingly meek performance, O’Neill’s freshly signed contract will be extended by 10 years.

Finally, with the retirement of Andrea Pirlo from the game, Wes Hoolahan has inherited the title of most graceful and talented footballer in the world.

Prediction: flurries of hope, dashed by unimagined horrors AKA 1-1.