Trump Spends Day Squeezing Nipples, Shredding Obama’s Policies


US President Donald Trump has twice-daily sessions in the Oval Office where he strips to his socks, covers himself in a lubricant of vague origins, and then plays with his erogenous zones while undoing 8 years of Barack Obama’s reforms, according to a source close to the White House.

Dubbed his ‘happy time’, Trump uses the hour-long sessions to relax and unwind from the mounting pressures of being president, such as having to deal with US citizens who have lost everything to natural disasters, as well as coping with the stresses of gun-related civilian deaths that came about as a direct result of Republican policies.

Tweaking his pink nipples as hard as his huge hands can manage, Trump has been heard to grunt and squeal as he signs executive order after executive order, each one chiseling away at another piece of Barack Obama’s legacy.

“Take that, yeah, you like that, don’t you?” grunted Trump, signing away Obama’s ‘Dreamer’ program which protected the American-born children of immigrants.

“Yeah, who’s president now, bitch? Who’s the big president now, eh? I’m going to scrap this, and you know what I’m going to do next, don’t you? I’m going to repeal and replace Obamacare with some shit that suits me and my rich buddies, yeah…. how do you like that eh? Call me President Trump, bitch!”

Trump was then heard to loudly rant about how he was going to ‘build a wall all over you’, before falling asleep in a quivering heap of pale orange flesh.