10 Things To Look Out For As The Premier League Kicks Off This Weekend


WITH the Premier League set to kick off this weekend, WWN’s sports team casts their keen eye over the season ahead. Teams will play other teams, people will care about it too. The possibilities are endless and we can’t wait!

1) Pep Guardiola

The unstoppable force of homoerotic man love for Pep Guardiola will meet the immovable object of curmudgeonly fans who are happy to confirm he’s overrated. While no winner in this contest is expected, fans will be encouraged to have similar discussions about Gary Neville’s return to punditry.

2) The first sending off for swearing

Swearing, as commonplace on a football field as blades of grass is set to be eradicated by a new set of rules introduced this year to help referees. It is expected to be as successful as the countless other attempts to administer something similar. However, the opening weekend of action will be a delight to watch as the majority of starting 11s are given their marching orders for using an impressively diverse array of swear words. The rules are expected to be forgotten about the following week.

3) 9450% increase in pointless arguments on football forums.

Individuals who have limited knowledge on the inner workings of a modern football club will pit themselves against individuals who possess limited knowledge on the inner workings of a modern football club with mixed results. Claims of speaking to someone in the know are expected to reach record highs.

4) Hull City Emergency Appeal

While many people critical of modern football are quick to point out the game has no soul, news emerging from the Premier League is leaving said negative people with egg on their face. Hull City, promoted this year, have struggled severely in the transfers window, but a heartwarming effort from other clubs have seen them offer Hull a number of players, in exchange for vast sums of money.

“It’s been truly beautiful, the outpouring of offers and support, it really has,” Hull interim coach Mike Phelan told the media after learning clubs were willing to give Hull Peter Crouch, Joey O’Brien, John O’Shea, Ashley Young and Branislav Ivanovic for the charitable sum of €150 million.

5) The Premier League to be replaced by the transfer window.

After the slow realisation dawns on many football fans that the speculation on and subsequent purchasing of players for obscene amounts money is far more entertaining than the game itself, the Premier League will be petitioned to cease its activities with fans replacing the competition with a weekly transfer window instead.

6) Liverpool, Arsenal, Spurs, Man Utd, Man City & Chelsea all winning the league

The great thing about the Premier League is that anyone can win the league, as evidenced by Leicester’s improbable victory last year. However, due to a small rule change the Premier League gave into pressure and will now allow literally everyone to win the league in a bid to bring an end to the unbearable moaning of football supporters.

7) Claudio Ranieri pronouncing words in English

The Leicester manager claimed there is more chance of ET landing in Piccadilly Circus than his side winning the league this season. However, fans were outraged at the news that there was no accompanying video of Ranieri pronouncing the word ‘Piccadilly’ with experts in linguistics confirming ‘it would sound hilarious’.

8) Mourinho’s twitch developing into a tic developing into punching a child in the face after a 1-0 loss to Stoke

Manchester United’s manager is fully rehabilitated after his mental breakdown in the Chelsea area of London last year. However, question marks remain over what will send him careening off the edge this year.

9) Sky Sports harassing you

No longer content with showing ads for the return of the Premier League on TV 24/7, the Sky Sports marketing department has confirmed it will simply send interns with megaphones onto the streets and have them scream “the best league in the world” and “the most exciting league in the world” in people’s faces.

“We will follow you into the toilet, we will interrupt the having of intercourse, we will jump out at you from behind a bin,” Sky Sports confirmed.

10) Some balls will be kicked into goals. Some balls will not be kicked into goals.

We’re willing to stake our professional reputations on this bold claim, but if proved right, we’re in for one hell of a season.