Ageing Dublin Gang Leader Afraid He’ll Die Of Natural Causes


Anthony ‘Madser’ Tobin , 29, leader of the Coolock criminal gang known as ‘The Hemptations’, has made a dramatic appeal to his enemies to hurry up and take care of business before he dies of natural causes or something.

Madser, who has been involved in crime since the age of 13, grew up amid stifling poverty in Coolock during the 90’s. He went days without food, eating only what he could buy from local supermarkets. He was mentally abused by his mother’s numerous lovers, one of whom sliced off his own nipple with a cheese grater to demonstrate how crazy and abusive he could be if pushed by the young boy.

Tobin was also forced to watch late night television programmes such as ‘Where in the world’ and ‘Glenroe’ on Sunday evenings, even if he didn’t have his homework done for the following day. By age 12, he was seeking solace in flagons of Fanta, buttered digestives biscuits and family packets of Tayto cheese and onion.

The long time criminal brushes aside questions about his squalid childhood, stating: “Ah ye, those were tough days alrigh’, but we can’t all live in the past, now can we, wha’?.”

Tobin says he’s suffered enough and is ready to die in an honourable and untimely fashion.

“I’m twenty bleedin nine now. Jaysis Christ! I have two sons and the auld ball and chain at home. Sure, what more is there to do… wha’? I’ve done it all. I’m leader of the gang now for 3 years. I’ve lived me life to the fullest. It’s time to move on an’all.

“Most of me mates are dead anyways. I’m the oldest from the old gang before it was even called the hemptations. We were known back then as the ‘Punchers’ because we liked to just randomly punch people on the street. The good auld days, wha’?”

Madser maintains his will to die violently, though he offers that — right or wrong — he needs to go before he contracts some kind of ‘horrible cancer’.

“Maybe I sounds fookin crazy an all,” he said. “If I don’t get two behind the ear real soon I don’t know what i’ll do. God knows I’ve pissed off enough people. People will start asking questions if I hit the thirty mark. I don’t want to be called a snitch or somethin’. Nobody has an umbrella over my head man, so don’t be worrying if ya do want to shoot me. Just hurry on ta fook and bleedin’ do it.”

He added “I’m always out walking me dog in fairview green in the evenin’s. I do be listening to me music full blast, so I’m a nice easy target for anyone for anyone who wants me whacked. Just wait behind one of the trees or somethin. I’d be in me own little world anyways with the music blarin’. Just make sure its quick tho’, I hates pain, so I does.”