Girlfriend Definitely Cheating On You, Confirms Paranoia


ACCORDING to that nagging voice in your head spurred on by an acute case of paranoia, your girlfriend is cheating on you.

Despite having no evidence to back up paranoia’s bold claims, you have all but confirmed happenings that have been mulled over by your imagination throughout the morning.

Paranoia’s claims gain further legitimacy when you refuse to confront the fact that really, you just feel you’re not deserving of any love so it totally makes sense that she’s probably off having sex with a rugby team right now.

“Go on, text her, I bet you she’s busy having sex with some lad, probably doing anal and all,” paranoia confirmed, ignoring the fact that you know she’s in work right now and actually loves you dearly.

“Ah she’s probably not though, she probably said she was off on a coffee run and then just starting riding some guy she barely knows in his car,” you said in agreement with paranoia.

While trying to retain a rational balance and considering all facts, it’s probably best to march straight down to her office and confront her about it all, with an emphasis on shouting and screaming at her.

The normal levels of certainty about paranoia’s claims were increased to ‘absolute definitely happening right now’ when you accidentally pictured it all of a sudden in your head, leading you to confirm you would break up with her via text sometime this afternoon.