Clarkson To Be Released Back Into The Wild


STAFF at the BBC were said to be slightly emotional today after bosses at the station announced they will be releasing a captive Clarkson back into the wild.

The 54-year-old animal, which has been raised by the British Broadcasting Corporation since 1988, is said to be reaching the age of adolescence, thus posing a risk to carers.

“We’re all a bit sad to be honest,” said full-time carer and producer Martin Kent. “Jeremy has been with us since finding him in a feral state in a Doncaster wood nearly 30 years ago. We knew this day would eventually come. It’s just heartbreaking to see him go.”

The decision came to release the Clarkson back in the wild after an altercation with one of its carers, Oisin Tymon.

“You feed them, groom them, make sure they’re healthy and comfortable and then out of no where they attack you – that’s the nature of the beast,” offered Tymon, who was allegedly attacked by the Clarkson on Monday night. “All our animals know that feeding time is at 3pm everyday, but being a Clarkson, it wanted another one later on in the evening and got extremely agitated”.

Sources at the BBC later confirmed the incident, and an emergency meeting was called about the animal’s future at the corporation.

Clarksons are known to become quite aggressive when they reach puberty (between the ages of 50-60) and it was immediately decided to start preparing the adolescent for its journey back into its original habitat – Northern England.

“He shouldn’t have too much of a problem with reintegration, as there are plenty or primates like him living there. Jeremy is fairly independent and should have no issues in hunting for his own food,” said an expert. “As with all adolescents, he will soon start mating and this is the main reason why his testosterone levels are so high, making him difficult to manage.”

The BBC is expected to transport the heavily sedated Clarkson later this evening, before releasing it back into the Doncaster wilderness.