It’s your day off tomorrow and you’ve got that urge again haven’t you, you dirty dog? There is no one at home and the whole house is yours baby. Nothing is going to stop you now. No sirree. Being single can be great sometimes and choosing the right bits for your jar of warm liver can be daunting. Here’s our guide to building that perfect aid you so desperately desire.
1: Make Sure You Pick The Right Piece Of Liver For You
Liver comes in all shapes and sizes, from the very big to the very small. So how do you chose the right one for you? Well, it’s important to make sure your liver is fresh from the butchers. After all, you don’t want to smell like a dead animal down there now, do you? Hahahahaha….no. No you don’t. Your liver should be moist and squishy to get the best results. Feel the texture with the back of your hand. Does it have dried out pieces on it? Look for imperfections that may give you infections. Take your time when choosing it and don’t be afraid to ask the butcher if it is suitable to line a jar.
2: Make Sure Your Jar Is The Right Size
Lets face it, there is nothing more frustrating than having a jar that is too small, or too big. It would be like throwing a sausage up O’Connell Street if it was the latter. The best practice here is to measure your own girth first before choosing the jar you want. Some men like ‘the squeeze and pinch’, so trial and error is advised.
3: Fit That Liver In Tight
The biggest mistake men make with their jar of warm liver is to not pack it in enough around the sides. Look at John below here. That’s way too loose silly!
In order for this to work you must pack the sides of the jar so the liver doesn’t slip out and onto your naked lap. Jesus Christ – it’s not rocket science kid!
4: Empty All The Liquid From The Jar Before Using It
Liver has a tendency to leak fluids so the best thing to do is to leave your jar top-side-down to empty any blood or bile that may still be in the dead organ. Some say to leave it over night, but make sure not to leave it get too dry. Otherwise you will be left with a grainy texture – like an old mans tongue.
5: Bring Your Jar Of Liver To The Right Temperature
The most common injuries caused when using a jar of warm liver is ‘heat-spots’. These spots are usually caused when the liver is heated in a microwave. DO NOT HEAT IN THE MICROWAVE. Steaming is the preferred method of choice when heating up your jar of liver. If you don’t have a steamer then turn on your kettle, keep your finger on the button and let that steam rise from the spout and into your newly constructed orifice. Testing with your baby finger will let you know if your liver is at the right temp.
This may sound like an awful lot of effort, but if you follow these guidelines you will be more than happy with your very own jar of warm liver.
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