Gardai Start New Roll-Out Of ‘Heavy-Set Culchies’

A new Garda plan to deploy a team of over-weight country men and women to deal with critical incidents is being implemented this week.

The ‘culchie units’ are being established in the nations capital and will act as a front line for the force in the fight against violent crime in the city.

The units, which will be based in the more troubled areas of Dublin, are ready to go “live” from Monday and will initially operate on a pilot basis, subject to a rolling review.

The Minister for Enterprise, Trade and Innovation, Batt O’Keeffe stated today that this heavy-set culchie injection will not only tighten security in the district but will also strengthen the economy.

He said: “Shops and fast food take-aways in the Finglas and Coolock areas have already began stockpiling ingredients for breakfast rolls and snack boxes.

We estimate an annual 35pc increase in turn-over for the take-away food industry alone. Another 200 jobs will also be created in the bar and entertainment sectors.”

The 65 heavy-set culchies(HSC’s) will patrol as regular uniformed Gardai, carrying out normal policing functions on a daily basis.

If they are called on to respond to a violent situation, the specially trained heavy-set culchies will then change into tactical dress and will have access to portable sandwich fridges stored in their patrol cars.

Their XXXXL tactical gear and modifications to their vehicles, including sliding car doors for easy in/out access and snack box holders, will ensure that the new officers are clearly identifiable from regular officers.

This crack team of, mostly red haired, heavy set culchies have undergone specialised training to a high level over a 3 day period, including instruction in how to restrain numerous assailants by just sitting on them, how to double park outside a chipper, the Heimlich Maneuver and the proper procedure on how to properly flash a Garda badge after the bar man ‘calls time’.

Each unit will have an initial strength of 4 HSC’s, while a basic patrol will consist of one or two in a specially adapted patrol car, depending on their size and mobile ability of course.