‘Yearly All-Ireland Final Tickets’: Ways The Guards Can Meet Their 5,000 New Officers Target

THERE ARE real fears within the Department of Justice that the target of 5,000 new officers by 2029 (a target the public never believed for a second would be achieved) will not be achieved, sparking a mass breakout of acceptance from a weary public.

However, it is never too late to turn the tide and achieve the impossible. WWN spoke to a number of policing experts who said some of the following measures and incentives could see an increase in recruitment:

Allow them to take one piece of evidence home with them from every crime scene.

Adding a ‘zoooooooom!’ sound to the handheld speed camera gun yoke.

Opening of a garda station in the Bahamas.

As part of drug squad training, allow them to sample some from the evidence locker.

Lie about the starting salary.

New recruits would get to be one of the guards answering calls in the background of an episode of Crime Call within three months of joining the force.

Special dispensation so that guards can get breakfast rolls on prescription.

Lie about the overtime.

A pair of tickets to the All-Ireland finals for every recruit. The fact they will be positioned outside the stadium to keep a close eye on a gate will only be broken to them once they’ve finished their training in Templemore.

Leave of absence to allow guards pursue their dream of writing a gritty crime drama starring a handsome, no-nonsense garda.

Target haunted house enthusiasts as pontential recruits by showing them empty unmanned garda stations.

Offer recruits a chance to audition for the role of Garda Gerry Boyle in the Templemore Amateur Dramatics Society’s stage adaptation of The Guard.

Groundbreaking journalism comes at a cost and that cost is checking out our class collection of mugs, t-shirts and hoodies HERE