“Only Call Your GP If You’re Still In A Hoop By Friday” All Together Now Attendees Advised

“YOU WOULDN’T believe the fucking amateurs ringing me in a panic this morning. On a Wednesday? This festival only finished on Monday for Christ sake. It’s only a bit of jaw ache,” confirmed one pestered GP, fielding queries from ‘fragile ickle babies’ seeking help with an almighty come down from a three-day festival.

Healthcare practitioners have warned many All Together Now attendees staring down the barrel of feeling like cod dipped in batter and thrown in a fryer to ‘settle down’ and only really worry if they are still in a hoop come Friday and your ‘shakes have the shakes’.

“Yeah well, you can tell the voices in your head they’ll have to wait until Friday and all you fucking wet wipe, grow a pair,” confirmed stern matronly doctor’s receptionists around the country.

“Sure, right now you’re in work and your eyes don’t even feel like your own and you feel like Jesus on the cross had it easy by comparison but that’s just a very normal part of donating your body for three days of tent-based chemical research,” explained another GP who considered festival attending patients who call him before Friday to be ‘wimps’.

“I’ll give you the same answer I gave a young fella whose mother rang me to tell me he thinks he’s a flat tyre of a unicycle, I’d prescribe a minor mental breakdown with a delayed onset of convenient amnesia which erases your memory but only takes effect just in time for the next festival you’re planning to get out of your bin at,” offered one GP.

Elsewhere, festival poortaloo operators have confirmed festival goers are among the history’s worst monsters and should immediately seek the help of a gastroenterologist.

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