England Played So Badly Fan Doesn’t Even Want To Stick Flare Up Bum Anymore


A DEJECTED England fan was left feeling so low after England’s 1-1 draw with Denmark he couldn’t muster the motivation to place a lit flare up his arse and happily ‘oi oi!’ about the place.

“Before the game I was primed and ready, it was perfect flare-up-bum conditions but that display was more toothless than our Barry after he challenged the Serbian hooligans to a fight, I don’t even feel like chanting ‘Two World Wars, One World Cup’,” explained Gregg Harris, diehard England nut.

With Trent Alexander Arnold looking more out of place in midfield than Nigel Farage at a Stormzy concert, England possessed as much quality as a clothes order from Temu, prompting questions if having 4 points after two games at the Euros is the biggest crime in history since Greggs introduced .

“I think I finally understand the pain Rishi Sunak must have gone through as a child not having access to Sky,” Harris said teary-eyed at his unlit flair, lacking all urge to secure it in his anus while fellow fans cheer on.vegan sausage rolls.

Elsewhere, the English tabloids are exploring if it is legal to kidnap and hogtie Gareth Southgate and move him to a CIA black site, only agreeing to free him if promises that he will make his England side win every game 5-0 while playing like the 1970 Brazil team.