Ikea Cuts Man Off For His Own Good

DUBLIN man Keith Raheney may have put together his last Kallax unit after Swedish furniture giant Ikea barred him from their Ballymun store at the request of his wife and family.

“We received a tearful email from Mrs. Raheney urging us to help her husband break his addiction to meatballs and Allen keys,” said a spjökepersön for Ikea today.

“She told us that at his worst he was up to 7 Billy bookcases a day – there wasn’t a wall in the house that didn’t have a massive print of a city on it.

“The kids were developing scurvy from just eating Daim bars all the time. We are a business, yes, but we’re also human beings and we couldn’t allow this to go on, so we cut Mr Raheney off for his own good. All of our staff have a picture of him in a Fiskbo frame, so we know not to serve him”.

The son of two will now enter a rehab facility to help wean himself off his flatpack addiction and remains optimistic that he’ll one day be able to sit comfortably in his own home without uttering the phrase ‘do you know what would go well in that corner?’.

“Hopefully my step-by-step addiction program comes on a plain paper sheet with illustrations of little men on it,” he told us as he signed himself in.