Being A Horrible Bastard The Key To Longevity, Finds Report

WHETHER you’re a Nazi war criminal, a kiddie fiddler or someone who sings louder than the band at a concert, a link has been found in a brand-new study which found that the key to longevity is simply being a horrible bastard.

The newly published paper stated that the absolute dregs of society live well into their 80s and 90s and advised carrying out the most heinous of crimes if you want to become a centennial.

“Rolf Harris, Robert Mugabe, Henry Kissinger, Rupert Murdoch, Jimmy Saville; all lived depraved horrible existences and yet managed to see the right side of 80,” the report found, “in fact, we haven’t found a Nazi war criminal in hiding who didn’t surpass 90 years on this planet”.

The findings suggested the reason for the link between ‘being a cunt’ and ‘living a long and fruitful life’ is down to the fact that heaven nor hell wants them, and they are lumped into a type of limbo phase post-70 thanks to a huge backlog of disgusting pricks currently residing on the earth.

Citing the report’s findings people from all over the world have now decided to carry out awful crimes in the hopes of guaranteeing themselves another decade or two.

“I just stabbed a homeless man to death on a street,” American singer Cher announced on her Twitter earlier today, “then later I heard about the findings of this new report and I don’t feel so bad now”.