New Citizens’ Assembly On Drugs Looking Forward To Trying Heroin The Most


THE GOVERNMENT has formally approved a citizens’ assembly on drugs set to start in April, news which has been greeted enthusiastically by the Irish public and potential participants.

“I’ve always been afraid to try heroin but this will be a safe environment, fuck it, I think I’ll finally do it,” confirmed one person hoping to make up the panel that will consider the legislative, policy and operational changes the State could make to reduce harmful impacts of illegal drugs on individuals, families, communities and society at large.

“I hope it’s not an ‘uppers one week’, ‘downers the next’, that might be too much of a severe come down,” cautioned one man already queuing up outside the location at which the assembly will be held.

As part of the assembly, drug dealers will be quizzed on prices and if drug dealing can become a more legitimate form of employment involving online courses and paying tax.

The overall consensus from those making up the assembly is that heroin remains the most intriguing of the drugs to sample.

“Heroin should be fun in a ‘completely destroys your life’ kind of way. Like, I can get cocaine anywhere, honestly it’s too easy,” said one person, who proceeded to open out their palm only for a seagull to drop a baggy into their hand.

The assembly has been reminded that if it confirms that legalising cannabis should be a priority for the government, the coalition reserves the right to delay law changes until it can be certain business industry friends can be sure of securing the first lucrative contracts for official cannabis licences.