Dangling A Snack Box On A Stick & Other Ways To Help Gardaí Pass Fitness Test


NEWS that one-sixth of last year’s Templemore recruits failed the garda fitness test has prompted politicians such as Fianna Fáil’s Jim O’Callaghan to call on the requirements of the test to be greatly reduced.

Experts in the field of garda fitness have drawn up some drastic plans and incentives to help turn the fortunes of budding recruits, which include:

– Dangling a snack box on a stick at the end point of each section of the fitness test.

– Make the corresponding fitness test for trainee criminals much harder so less criminals qualify.

– Coppers Gold Card upon successful completion of fitness test.

– Top 10% in fitness test will never be sent to Ballyfermot.

– Volunteer entire trainee intake for Operation Transformation.

– Weekly pub quiz centred around the movie ‘The Guard’.

– Place a motorised stair lift next to the farm gate that recruits are required to climb over as part of the obstacle course.

– Give them the same fitness test serving guards are currently required to take every year…

– Dot motivational posters around the obstacle course such as ‘if you can dream it, you can do it’, ‘fit is not a destination, it’s a way of life’ and ‘run you piece of shit, run’.

– Pay prospective recruits more than the current rate of €184 for 33 weeks training.

– Okay just give them all big fuck off guns.

– For members of the public; just despair as the fitness test isn’t that hard.