BRAZIL’s 4-1 win over South Korea was awe-inspiring at times but viewers hadn’t seen dancing this bad since Boyzone first set foot on the Late Late Show stage.
Richarlison may have donned the scuba diving gear to win Brazil a penalty for their second goal but the move for Brazil’s third goal contained more magic than a dozen David Blaine specials.
While Brazil were more irresistible than a 75% offer on Black Friday at times, Korea’s defending was about as effective as a flood defence system made of soggy cardboard.
A back four made up of all Kims, the last time a Kim backline got this much of a going over it was entitled ‘Kardashian Sextape’.
The game had reached ‘1am on the dancefloor at an Irish wedding’ levels by the time the fourth goal went in as the Brazilian players coaxed their 61-year-old manager Tite to get up and dad dance.
If turning the game into a Rio nightclub wasn’t disrespectful enough, Brazil considered South Korea so shit that it was okay to sub on their third choice keeper with 10 minutes left.
On this form Brazil look more unstoppable than a runaway train strapped to a heat seeking missile.
The 3pm game was cagier than a dog shelter with Japan and Croatia cancelling one another out as players played like they had ‘don’t be the one to fuck up’ tattooed on their foreheads.
Repetitive tactics meant the only place you’d find more crosses was in the Vatican, but football’s version of Groundhog Day eventually paid off for both sides.
Japan edged in front after Maeda scored from a cross, with VAR replays showing there was no offside in a call tighter than an Irish dad in jeans after a big feed.
Perisic’s header couldn’t have been more precise even if it was laser guided. Had the header been any harder it would have been Jason Statham.
Ultimately, the 90 minutes proved the most unrewarding thing since we sat through since The Human Centipede 2.
With both teams treating extra-time like a relaxing spa holiday by the beach, penalties were inevitable.
Japan’s penalties were brought to you by Heineken 0%, the only thing weaker than whatever watered down awfulness these kicks were.
The shootout hero was Croatian keeper Livakovic who made more stops than the Green Line Luas and will never have to pay for a pint back home again.
Croatia don’t hold out much hope for getting past Brazil as the team look more exhausted than parents to a set of insomnia suffering octuplets.
With the tournament’s best and most efficient rubbish collectors having left Qatar, Doha now resembles a dump after Christmas.