How Hallmark Christmas Movies Are Lying To The Recently Unemployed

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FOR years, low-budget festive TV movies from companies such as Hallmark or Netflix have presented a world where Christmas makes the impossible possible for recently-unemployed singletons who find themselves back in their hometown for the holidays, where love and opportunity awaits.

This is, and always has been, lies. If you’ve just lost your job, then get ready for the following:

– Moving back to your hometown after your big fancy job in the city didn’t work out? Don’t expect to be welcomed by everyone a la whatever Christmastime Homecoming nonsense you watched yesterday while you were filling out dole forms. Your old neighbours and friends are secretly delighted you got taken down a peg. That’ll teach you for living the big city and thinking you were better than the rest of us!

– Your parents haven’t kept your childhood room ‘just the way you left it’. At the very best, they’ve rented it out and are making a killing on it. Worst case scenario, it’s filled with more shite than the complete DVD boxset of Hoarders. Either way, you’re on the sofa.

– Looking for the love of your life after moving home for Christmas? That’s a sure sign you’ve been watching too many Hallmark movies. The only thing you’ll get in your hometown is one really awkward, quiet ride on your parent’s sofa with the least-drunkest person you met that night in the one pub in the town that didn’t get shut down in recent times. This will take place at 4AM and by morning, everyone in town will know about it.

– Hey, maybe there’s a small struggling business in your hometown that’s just right for you to apply the skills you learned in the city. You can turn it around, make it a success, and earn enough money to buy a little house where you can raise your family and live in happiness. And hey, while you’re dreaming, why not get a pet unicorn too!