“Wash Your Claws, Sneeze Into Your Wing” Stage 5 Lockdown For Poultry


BIRDS across Ireland have been advised of the latest lockdown measures introduced in a bid to flatten the bird flu curve with the following guidelines as stipulated by the National Aviary Health Emergency Team (NAHET).

Delivering the new measures, head of NAHET Dustin the Turkey revealed the following measures:

Social distancing of 2 millimetres is to be adhered to, except in chicken processing plants run by wealthy owners who are friends of the government

Wash you claws for the entirety of the birdie song

Sneeze into your wing if it hasn’t fallen off due to gangrene caused by poor housing conditions

A full level 5 lockdown will mean all birds will have to stay indoors, as opposed to previous arrangements which involved being forced to stay indoors for the rest of their miserable lives

If a bird believes it has the bird flu, it must isolate for 14 seconds before its neck is ringed and then cremated

However, chicks may still attend flight school lessons despite being genetically unable to fly

Birds who refuse the vaccine will simply be shot

Turkeys may still attend golfing events

Birds with weeping lacerations or forms of cancer will have to wait until lockdown is over before being treated

Bird flu supports in the form of grain and corn will be given to all birds, but will later have to be paid back over the remainder of its life

NOTE: Any future issues relating to poor housing conditions, decreased rations and heating in bird pens are to all be blamed on the bird flu or the war in Ukraine.