“Here’s Some Money Now Fuck Off”

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SPEAKING to WWN today about yesterday’s big Budget ’23 giveaway, Taoiseach Micheál Martin advised the nation not to spend it all on silly things, and if everyone could stop annoying the government and remember to vote them in again when the next election rolls around, that would be great.

“You’re welcome,” Martin began, referring to a new zero VAT rate for newspapers, “I hope you won’t write anything bad about us now,” he joked, but not really, “seriously, be an awful shame to lose that”.

Handing out energy credits like a basket of fish and loaves, the Taoiseach said he was confident the new raft of cost-of-living measures were enough to fill the pockets of those who needed it the most, the faceless energy companies.

“Oh no, we couldn’t dare cap the energy company that we own,” he said, explaining his reasoning for allowing the majority state-owned ESB continue its extortion of Irish citizens, “that would be terrible business practice and our foreign owned competitors based here are far too rich and powerful for a small little country like ours to challenge them – not that anyone really knows who these people are at the top of the energy pyramid”.

Now fanning 500-euro notes from his hand at passing citizens like an American rapper, the Taoiseach reassured that this year’s budget was still running a surplus and that everything will be grand.

“If you forget the €240bn, 45k-a-head, debt Ireland currently owes, we’re absolutely fine and in no way throwing truckloads of money in a gaping hole that will soon one day collapse and take everything with it,” he concluded.

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