AIB Confirm Pensioners Attempting To Use Branches Will Have Dogs Set On Them

AIB HAVE confirmed that a dedicated team of rabid dogs specialising in a lack of customer service will be on hand to dissuade pensioners from trying to access their local bank branches, WWN can report.

“From 30 September & 21 October 2022, some of our branches will no longer offer cash and cheque services at the counter, or through machines inside the branch. If you attempt to avail of such services we have a team of dedicated pitbulls that we’ve been starving for a week, and Margaret we don’t fancy your chances outrunning them with the zimmer frame,” read an AIB statement, specifically addressing pensioners who have that annoying habit of using bank branches for banking services.

AIB, which is henceforth known as just AI, are not alone in announcing this recent shift as many other banks are set to follow suit in agreeing that no one they deem ‘important’ uses cash anymore.

“Don’t worry, customers can still avail of a number of banking services in Irish banks such as being rejected for a mortgage. For businesses there’s the classic financing you’ve no hope of paying back that we won’t ask you to pay back anyway leaving us overexposed when the house of cards come crashing down again,” confirmed a consortium of Irish banks.

In a bid to assuage any fears customers have, AI confirmed some of these lost services will be transferred to the post office in your town which was closed down over a decade ago.