Tory Party Advised To Move Piss-Ups Indoors Due To Soaring Temperatures


THE Conservative leadership of Great Britain has warned its citizens to take all necessary precautions ahead of today’s potentially lethal 40º temperatures, adding that ‘even we’re not having our taxpayer-funded booze-up outside’.

The statements followed an emergency COBRA meeting begrudgingly attended by outgoing Prime Minister Boris Johnson, who took time out of his busy schedule of robbing pens out of Downing St. to chime in on Zoom as temperatures nudged towards a record-breaking 42º.

“We’ve spent hundreds of thousands of pounds on advisors to ensure that our weekly Tory piss-up goes as smoothly as planned, and they’ve said we should cancel the marquee and the bouncing castle and just have quail and brandy in an air-conditioned castle instead,” said Johnson, while adding that he’s ‘still the boss around here’.

“To any of you that perhaps owns a yacht, or other similar sea faring vessel, now would be a good time to go on a sail around the coast where it might be cooler. Others can order their house-staff to be on fan duty for the entire day, rather than regular chores.

“And Jacob, please don’t leave your dogs in locked cars with the windows up – I know how much pleasure you get from watching them dehydrate, but we could really do without the bad PR right now”.

Meanwhile citizens in traditionally Labour constituencies have been advised by the government to leave the sunblock behind, head out for a nice big hike and don’t worry about water, just enjoy the midday sun as much as they can.