Sorry, Man Just Needs To Check Twitter Before He Knows What To Think About Thing You Just Mentioned


AFTER BEING confronted with an unfolding nascent breaking news story, local man Eoin Breeland has told friends he can’t volunteer an opinion until he has checked with Twitter first.

“I appreciate you’ve given me the entire background relating to the news and that, the full context but I’m just going to shut my fucking mouth for fear I’ll have given the wrong genuine opinion,” explained Breeland, explaining to friends that he rarely allows himself to formulate opinion if there’s no available internet connection or Wi-Fi.

“No, you lads go ahead and hash it out, give your opinions. I just sort of pride myself on always coming down on the right side of an issue but that’s not something I do independently,” added Breeland, as friends intensely discussed news of a celebrity naming their child by a certain name which on first glance seemed perfectly uncontroversial.

Breeland, popping the celebrity’s name into Twitter was relieved to discover he had made the correct decision to not weigh in.

“Fuck, knew I was right to say nothing. Ciara, sorry now, but you saying the name choice is lovely is actually ageist and comes from a deep seethed colonialist worldview and you should be ashamed,” Breeland said at break neck speed, suddenly discovering his voice as he repeated a handful of heavily like and retweeted tweets verbatim, “also I don’t know what ‘Greenwich Mean Time phobic’ means but you’re that too apparently and that’s not a good look.”

“Andrew, for you to talk down to Ciara about her opinion, well, Jesus where do I start?” tutted Breeland, adrenaline and smug self-satisfaction coursing through his veins.