Not Enough 99s To Battle Soaring Temperatures, Government Fears


THE government are considering drafting in the army to help Mr. Whippy vans distribute 99s over the next few days, as demand for milky refreshment soars among Irish people struggling to cope with the current heatwave.

As fears grow that there may not be enough Screwballs to go around, additional heat-fighting advice has been issued by the government from the grounds of Leinster House, as it’s ‘too warm to be sitting inside on a day like this’.

The advice includes.

– Purchasing ice from the supermarket well in advance. If fact, if you’re reading this and you’ve no ice, you’re already too late. Any attempts to purchase ice will be met with a “are you for fuckin’ real?” look from the shop assistant.

– Remember to hydrate, but also remember that alcohol will dehydrate you. So drink more of it to counteract this. We’re fairly certain the science holds up on this.

– All bosses and managers are ordered by law to send out for a box of ice-pops for their staff, not just the sound ones.

– All forms of messing, bucklepping, acting the blaggard, horseplay or similar high-intensity activities are strongly cautioned against. Save your energy for sitting down.

– If you’re opening the front door, close the back door. Otherwise, some of the internal doors might bang shut, and who could cope with that kind of thing.

– Under no circumstances go for a jog, cycle, or any other form of exercise on the road, no matter how much of a hardy bastard you think it’s going to make you look.

– Rich people: now is the time to take the top off your convertible. Poor people: now is the time to take your tops off.