Live Updates: Aoife’s After Introducing The New Fella To The Folks

WATERFORD WHISPERS NEWS remains your best news outlet for round the clock and unrivalled coverage of Aoife Nealon introducing the new fella, Mark (met on Tinder but have agreed to say they met on night out), to parents Maureen and Trevor Nealon.

Aoife initially suggested neutral ground such as a cafe to make Mark feel a little less surrounded. This was rejected by Maureen. Tea and a few cakes, fancy tea pot on hold until Maureen can be sure he’s worth it, unlike the last dose.

11am: “Lovely to meet you Mark, oh you’re a handsome fella ha-ha. Trevor, come in out the kitchen and say hello. Trevor. Trevor! Sorry Mark, he’s like a balloon – he floats off if you don’t keep hold of him. Aoife love, I told you about Mrs Finlay’s operation? The wound has an inordinate amount of puss coming out of it but you know doctors they’re never wrong”.

A solid start.

11.02am: Aoife has been trying to shield Mark from an endless barrage of questions, but Maureen has already learned the vital information: not Protestant, sperm all good, no pedos in the family, good job in IT.

Christ.

11.03am: Mark agrees with Maureen that it is pure shocking what’s going on in the news, and no, there isn’t anything wrong with him, he was just single at 28 like a lot of people sometimes are and it is very normal.

11.08am: Trevor has emerged and without introducing himself has asked Mark about his taste in music and used an outdated term to refer to black people. Now states ‘I’m a hugger’ and gathers Mark up in his arms.

Trevor is not a hugger.

11.10am: Aoife has completely disassociated from herself and is having an out of body experience. Maureen has said that Mark needn’t worry about sex with Aoife after kids as she’ll be back in business right away if she’s anything like her mother.

11.15am: Trevor has decided Mark’s name is Martin. Is showing Martin a scar on his leg. Has more scars to show him, each with a unique and equally long-winded story.

11.17am: ‘Would it be marriage you’re after Mark?’ Maureen has asked, before pointing out it’s no cake walk, and it certainly won’t be with Aoife. Have you been ‘introduced’ to Hurricane Aoife yet? She was a right little madam around 18 and 19, Maureen explains matter-of-factly.

11.18am: Mark confirms he takes a drop of milk in his tea, thank you, and if you have any soy or oat milk.

11.35am: Trevor now entering 18th minute on interrogating Martin on his left-leaning communist, anti-Irish dairy herd hatred of normal milk. “And Aoife’s uncle a dairy farmer – that’s shocking. No wonder the country is gone to the dogs”.

11.36am: Aoife fakes a phone call claiming her housemate needs help thawing out some ice cubes and must leave urgently.

All in all, a huge improvement on the last three new boyfriend introductions.