Forget The BAFTAs Here’s The Results Of The Paddy’s

AS THE nation returns to not washing its hands, burns its masks in communal bonfires and compartmentalises the last 12 months, The Paddy’s celebrates the Irish resolve by awarding some of the people and events from the last year that cracked our word holes into a smile, voted on by you the public through and hosted by The Paddy Box & Waterford Whispers News in the 3 Arena last night in front of 10,000 people.

After calls of a ‘fix’ by those in attendance, Waterford’s 6th favourite local newspaper Waterford Whispers News took the top prize for most The Decent Skin Certificate of Soundness award, however, sub-editor-in-chief Bill Badbody could not attend the awards due to currently fighting extradition in Dubai for tax evasion.

Winning the award for ‘that’s a bit Irish’, petrol station chiefs around the country thanked those who voted for them this year, stating that no matter if their petrol or diesel was bought at a cheaper rate a few weeks ago, a phenomenon called Quantum Entanglement will always keep them exactly in line with real time oil prices today. Sound!

Ireland beating the All Blacks won the award for favourite sporting moment, with Rachael Blackmore finishing a furlong behind in second, followed by Kellie Harrington and a photo-finish for fourth with England not winning the Euros and Paul O’Donovan & Fintan McCarthy row-row-rowing their boats.

The Holy Show award this year went to 7-time winner, Conor McGregor. Approaching the stage, Conor roundhouse kicked fellow candidate Eir customer service redeeming himself and receiving a standing ovation from the large crowd. Well done again, Conor. And feck you, Eir.

This year’s expat award goes to the young lad of the Lowry’s from Mullingar who plays the golf in the States. We heard he’s doing well over beyond, fair play to him. Well deserved. That’s the hurling growing up now. Shame he never stuck with it. He could have been great.

The nation loves a good natter, which is why Tipp natives and car sticker enthusiasts The 2 Johnnies ran away with this year’s podcast awards. While accepting their awards at The Paddy’s, the Johnnies drove onstage in a tractor pulled float while Irish dancing, eating chicken fillet rolls and necking a full pint of milk. Oh, the Irishness! Gas.

Probably one of the most important awards at this year’s Paddys went to An Garda Síochána’s Jerusalema Dance Challenge and was accepted by Commissioner Drew Harris. Accepting the award, Mr. Harris thanked the crowd before calling out several number plates of cars in the carpark which he claimed had no tax or insurance, prompting a smattering of boos.

With so many to choose from this year, the best political feck up award went to British cyanide tablet Nigel Farage for being duped into saying ‘Up The Ra’. Still blissfully unaware why he was receiving the award, or what it meant, Farage thanked The Paddy’s, stating ‘póg mo thóin’. Golfgate ‘victim’ Phil Hogan interrupted proceedings, demanding a recount, calling on everyone in attendance to apologise to him. Good man, Phil.

Their parents must be proud award was won by Adam King, who was forced to hug all 10,000 attendees, pushing the awards ceremony four hours over time, but totally worth it. We love you, Adam.

Unfortunately Dermot Kennedy did not make it up unto the stage to claim his award due to being ravaged by a large group of females in the audience. We’re still looking for Dermot and if anyone has any information to his whereabouts, please call Store Street Garda Station.

The Scottish Landscape gardeners who rescued an Irish medical student in Ukraine accepted their ‘Most Likely To Be Adopted As Irish’ award via Zoom link, stating there was no way they were going to travel to Dublin during St. Patrick’s week, citing it was too dangerous.

Finally, the most emotional award of the evening went to Wally the Walrus who was voted number one favourite to replace Fungi in the nation’s heart. Wally was immediately surrounded by a team of Dingle based lawyers working for the council and forced to sign a tourism ambassador contract, condeming him to 35 years of propping up the local economy.

Thanks again to all the contestants in this year’s Paddys.