Apprentice Tradesman Undergoes Crucial Fag-Hanging-From-Mouth Training

WATERFORD apprentice Alex Conlon, who has shown an impressive aptitude for a career in his chosen field of carpentry, will attend a make-or-break FÁS course this weekend to ensure that he can perform all applicable duties while also always keeping a gone-out rollie in the corner of his mouth at all times

If successful, Conlon will then move on to the latter phase of his tradesman training, which includes modules on having lunch at half ten in the morning, and a seminar in only being able do a job for a customer at the most inconvenient time possible.

The 23-year-old has informed WWN that he’s excited about embarking on his career, adding that he’s not entirely sure about some of the training he has received but if the higher-ups think it’s essential for him to know how to do the loudest work at the earliest part of the day, then he isn’t going to question it.

“Basic carpentry, dovetail joints and things like that, they take about a fortnight to learn. Then it takes three more years to perfect how to change a customer’s mind away from what they want done, to what you have time to do,” explained Alex, practising his fag-in-mouth technique with bit of a dowel rod.

“Then there’s just so much more to it, such as advanced classes on ‘making people awkward in their own home’, and an intensive course in tutting at the work that was done by previous tradesman. But I’m nearly done. One more exam, and then I’m free to go out, buy a van and park it wherever the fuck I like!”