Worst Fears Realised As Storm Barra Carrying 130kph Gusts Of Omicron


“WHAT IN the ever shitting Christ,” marveled Met Éireann HQ personnel as they monitored the incoming Storm Barra, their worst fears realised.

“Is this the bit where one of us says ‘may God have mercy on us all’, like in a Hollywood disaster movie?” Evelyn Cusack said as the latest volume flow analysis of Storm Barra indicated the unthinkable; it was swirling 130kph gusts laden down with the Omicron variant.

Strapping a makeshift backpack on her shoulders, a resigned looking Cusack made for the exit as the first government emergency sirens started up, blasting ‘Storm Barra is carrying the Omicron, everyone make your way to the only place you will be safe – an Irish primary school’.

“The cylinders on my back pack have enough hand sanitiser in them to hose down a dozen mud covered pigs. Will it work? Who knows. Do we have any other option? No. But this forecaster predicts Barra won’t see it coming,” Cusack said as colleagues begged her not to go on what many believed to be a suicide mission.

“Should we call Martin King? We’ll need all the help we can get,” queried Met Éireann officials on walkie talkie communications with Cusack as she stared down the arriving storm on Ireland’s west coast.

“This is serious shit. If we needed someone to read out greetings or share pictures of sunsets, I think they’ve trained dogs that can do that stuff now. I’m going in guys,” Cusack radioed back, as the sound of 500 litres of handsantiser being unleashed into the sky overwhelmed the speakers.

“Come in ‘November Rain’, come in, are you there?” a desperate HQ communicated to silence.

UPDATE: Met Éireann’s advice remains to stay indoors while the ESB’s advice is try to retain your sanity amid power cuts if the batteries on your internet devices run out.