NPHET’s Guide To Responsible Outdoor Sessioning

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AFTER controversial scenes of public drinking prompted outrage online which prompted further outrage at the outrage, leading to more outrage-based outrage, NPHET has issued updated guidelines governing the safe staging of outdoor sessions.

Please abide by these new updated NPHET rules to ensure you limit the spread of Covid-19:

If you are young, please return to the cramped box room in your rented apartment accommodation until 2025.

Anyone out drinking in public is asked to take their piss home in bags.

Where possible be a middle-aged wine drinker who owns their own home and can session in the privacy of back gardens. Otherwise, have you met these nice riot shield carrying gardaí?

Is the public space that is cordoned off and covered in mental fencing at which you are drinking beside becoming crowded? Please move on to the next nearest cordoned off area.

If someone is blaring tunes from a speaker please ensure it is turned up to the point where it is so overblown it sounds like a malfunctioning hoover attempting karaoke.

Please ensure the rubbish you are dumping on the ground remains spread out and maintains social distance from other rubbish.

And okay, if it makes you feel better we’ll pretend if there were more bins you wouldn’t throw an empty 6-pack down the throat of a swan.

If you can lick the Covid off the tonsils of the person next to you, you may be too close.

Not out on the session yourself? Please make sure to judge and criticise everyone as this keeps the attention away from the multitude of failures committed by the government.

You might be expecting NPHET, the HSE and the government to acknowledge the airborne nature of Covid-19 and how facilitating and funding the upgrading or establishment of air conditioning systems ahead of indoor reopening of premises would be a good idea, but shush, we’re talking about young people drinking outdoors now!

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