Is Kim Kardashian Dating Van Jones? Who Is Van Jones? Why Am I Reading This? What Has Become Of My Life? Christ I’m 33, I Should Know Better

HE’S consistently rumoured to be Kim Kardashian’s new flame. A post-Kanye fling or something more lasting? And just who is Van Jones? And why oh why do I keep wasting my life devoting time to shit like this?

Sure, a mindless scroll through the Daily Mail’s sidebar of shame is harmless enough when you discount all the very real harm it does, but c’mon we’ve work to do. My time on earth is finite, and this is how I’m choosing to spend my time? Christ. Ooooh, he’s divorced, only 2 more divorces from having something in common with Kim.

Yes, we can lie to friends and say ‘oh I’m not into all that celeb shite’, but we can’t lie to ourselves, can we Yvonne?

Oh, he’s a lawyer, political correspondent and worked in the Obama administration? Not your typical choice for Kim… a bit older too.

No, c’mon Yvonne, the totality of human knowledge is at your fingertips on your phone or laptop but you’re Googling images of Jones… okay, he knows how to wear a suit, I’ll him that, damn. You didn’t even want to read this, remember the article about intellectual property rights, vaccines and the WTO you opened in a new tab and promised yourself you’d give a proper big person serious read of? Where did that disappear too?

And if you had told yourself at the start of the day you’d be devoting 30 minutes of your time to researching all things Van Jones you’d have laughed. But here you are gorging on speculative article after article like a fucking addict.

But is he right for Kim? CNN HQ is in Atlanta, they’ve a big presence in New York, would he be willing to move to LA for her? Why do you ask more probing questions of Kim’s love life than your own? Oh, this might be a new low, and yes, even including that time you accidentally pissed on your own hands going for a slash in the laneway across from Coppers.