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AHEAD of the expected reopening of hairdressers in the coming weeks, leading authorities have urged the public to once again familiarise themselves with the agonisingly awkward small talk that is part and parcel of getting your hair cut.
“Going fancy for on your holidays anywhere? Ah bollocks!” said one scraggly haired woman to her reflection during a practice session ahead of being reunited with the local hairdresser soon.
“We would appeal to everyone to brush up on their idle chit chat, polite yet awkward laughing and for the love of God don’t panic when you’re asked ‘and are you working yourself?'” offered CEO of Small Talk Solutions, Barry Hennessy.
Studies conducted by STS show that as many as 75% of people ‘freeze’ when asked the most basic questions about their lives by hairdressers.
“We’re talking pre-prepared stock answers for nosy, invasive and just plain polite questions about work, kids, husbands, wives. Can you imagine the build up of questions hairdressers, starved of customers, will have? It’ll be conversational chaos!” added Hennessy, slowly unraveling in a fit of panic.
“You think they’re just going to accept the stock ‘no, no news, not with the lockdowns and all that’. Bullshit, when you’re locked down in that chair you’re their prisoner, it’ll be like a police interrogation! Just invent a relative who had a terrible fall or a secret second family, give these gossip vampires what they want”.
Those who especially struggle with the art of customer/hairdresser conversations have been told to utilise the ‘silent death stare’ method of avoiding chatting, by people who have clearly never set foot in a hairdressers.