Phil Hogan Offers To Cover Justice Minister’s Maternity Leave

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FORMER EU Agriculture and Rural Development Commissioner Phil Hogan has quickly stepped in to offer his services following news Justice Minister Helen McEntee is to take something called ‘maternity leave’, which is apparently time off work in lieu of giving birth to a baby human, WWN has learned.

Skulking around outside Leinster House, Mr. Hogan, who force-resigned after he attended an Oireachtas Golf Society dinner with 80 other attendees while Covid-19 restrictions on such gatherings were in place, was seen badgering Fine Gael TDs and government ministers outside, hoping to speak to Micheál Martin, or ‘the real Taoiseach’ Leo Varadkar.

“I don’t mind doing it for free, aside from the salary, travel expenses and pension” Hogan was heard shouting at a cowering Varadkar, who quickly ran inside upon the sight of him, “give me a shout on the burner number when you can… maybe do lunch and some pints, I know a publican friend who’ll let us in for a few… call me?”.

As of the time of writing, Ireland does not have legal provisions for TDs to take maternity leave due to the country being 100 years behind the rest of the world in terms of ‘female problems’, however, a spokesperson for Mr. Hogan stated he’s going to fix all that and ‘other anomalies’ when he gets to cover McEntee for a few months, including:

  • Making Seamus Woulfe the bested judge in the land
  • Free unrestricted travel for TDs
  • The introduction of ‘golf leave’ for male TDs who are about to have a round of golf during working hours
  • TD exemption from all Covid guidelines, except Varadkar, the prick
  • And finally, reintroduce water charges and finish what Big Phil started
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