The List Of Powers Gardaí Are Seeking To Tackle House Parties

WITH nearly 1,500 cases linked to 28 meat factory outbreaks across the country, the Association of Garda Sergeants and Inspectors (AGSI) have called on the government to give them more powers to tackle house parties instead, as targeting lucrative meat industries wouldn’t look great, now would it.

Despite checking over 6,000 pubs and bars last weekend with very few breaches reported, while only carrying out a handful of checks on meatplants, the AGSI released a list of powers they are seeking to tackle house parties.

Select members of the gardaí will be trained on how to play and sing Ed Sheeran songs on acoustic guitar and will be allowed to enter any given house party, dispersing it in seconds.

Similarly, undercover gardaí can be deployed to house parties to simply chat with groups of party goers about their boring GAA days and how injury stopped them making county – these guards will also be shown how to offer and make really shit joints for people while also making them watch Mrs Brown Boys YouTube clips, back to back.

Gardaí will be given the power to arrest anyone at a house party breaking the covid-19 rules, however, relations of politicians, politicians, judges and meat factory workers will all be exempt from any arrests or fines if found attending.

The AGSI also wants to be able to test party goers for drugs and alcohol with the intent to charge offenders with ‘drink walking’. Offenders caught walking with drink or drugs in their system can be put off the footpath for up to three years. Repeat offenders will have their ankles broken by a specially trained physician.

Gardaí also want direct phone-in access to Joe Duffy’s liveline at all times and suggested a 24 hour Joe party line to air on RTÉ1 for the foreseeable future.