“Raise As Many Terrible Sons As You Like” State Wilkinson Sword
RAZOR companies across the world, led by Wilkinson Sword, have issued statements and reactive advertisements clarifying their position on the subject of toxic masculinity and male privilege in the wake of a controversial new Gillette commercial, stating that consumers who purchase their products are welcome to raise their kids any damn way they please.
While Gillette made the bold move of releasing a stirring piece of work that suggested that men need to work harder to stamp out sexual aggression towards women and to eradicate the notion that ‘boys will be boys’ when it comes to harmful behaviour, companies such as Wilkinson Sword, Bic, and Dollar Shave Club remain of the opinion that men can wolf whistle at as many attractive ladies as they wish, as long as they do it with a smooth, freshly-shaven face.
“It certainly was a brave move of Gillette to attempt to gain market share among woke individuals with a stirring piece such as the one they released yesterday, but we’re going to stick with shots of lads shaving and then feeling their face, all impressed with how smooth it is,” said a spokesperson for Wilkinson Sword at the launch of their new razor, literally just a knife.
“We monitored the angry response from the public, in which men in their thousands became triggered after recognising themselves and their errant behaviour in the commercial, and decided ‘fuck it, that’s not for us’. So go ahead and talk down to your female co-workers, let your kids bully as many people as they like, remember that ‘no’ can sometimes mean ‘maybe’, and shoot up your office one day if that’s what the hell you want to do. Just buy our products, Jesus Christ, these hipsters with their beards are fucking killing us out here”.
Meanwhile debate rages over which group of men are the biggest snowflakes, between the ones who agree with Gillette and the ones who are up in arms against them.