World’s Most Famous Footballer Accused Of Rape, Here’s His Top 5 Goals


CRISTIANO RONALDO stands accused of rape after a woman he paid $375,000 as part of an out of court settlement came forward to speak of her experience in German publication Der Spiegel.

WWN Sports would like to make it known it will not shirk our journalistic duties and turn a blind eye to difficult stories such as the world’s most marketable sports star allegedly admitting to rape.

Sure, WWN Sports had posted up illegally uploaded videos of all the goals Ronaldo was involved in during Saturday’s clash with Napoli, careful to make no mention of the allegations. And yes, this is the biggest sports story in the world bar none, but we have 4 non-rape related Ronaldo stories on our home page from this weekend alone but…shit this real journalism stuff is hard.

Lawyers for the woman claim they are in possession of an earlier draft of court documents which sees Ronaldo stating “I took her from behind, the rough way … she said ‘no’, and ‘don’t do that’ several times. Afterwards I apologised.” That sounds very damning but the majority of our staff are actually just trained in illegally downloading videos of the latest goals and banter incidents from football matches, so you’re in the wrong place if you’re expecting us to grow a backbone and support the word of a rape victim or even just entertain the idea that this is worthy of much more coverage.

Ha, especially not when the majority of our readers would turn against us in a second. That sort of bravery is reserved for people like the woman who has come forward 9 years after she first reported being raped to police and subsequently signing a non-disclosure agreement, all so she can fight for justice she feels she was denied.

To push back at any accusation that online publications are morally bankrupt and merely driven by the need to secure advertising revenue at all costs we are bravely making Ronaldo’s top fives goals available to you here:

Actually, Ronaldo’s genius can’t be distilled into just 5 goals, plus we’re having trouble finding an illegally uploaded video of his overhead kick against Juventus last year, so you’re just going to have to settle for a video of 20 stunning goals instead.

We can only apologise to readers angry at WWN Sports, we know you expect a lot more from your sport banter publications who previously had no problem laying into far less prominent footballers like Ched Evans with strongly worded editorials.

Anyway, here’s Ronaldo being class: