THERE’S only one thing more profound and eye opening than having an appreciation of the artistic merit of seminal books, and that’s simply pretending to be the sort of intelligent person who ‘gets’ those things.
Pretending to have read the below 5 books can work for anyone, from the thickest of thick shits, to middling smarts. Don’t be shy, and get pretending to read these five books:
The book that completes the collection of every discerning faux intellectual snob who wants to appear intelligent to people who glance at the book cover on public transport, in cafes or on park benches.
However, remember that if you are over 25, it’s best to announce out loud that this is the second or third time you’re read it.
Naomi Klein’s 1999 book which changed it all, or at least that’s what we’d say if we had got around to reading it. Just carry this well worn dogeared book to and from work for about a week while occasionally remarking on the fact that capitalism is evil incarnate and you’re home and dry.
Total Recall: My Unbelievably True Life
CURVEBALL! By pretending to have read Arnold Schwarzenegger’s 2012 autobiography, you can humbly reveal to people that although you’re massively cultured, the life of a Hollywood great is not beneath you. Plus, the picture section in this one is pretty cool.
Only amateurs would proclaim to have read Ulysses so just go for something a little more off-piste with The Dubliners. Sprinkle in a little anecdote about how Joyce used to love a bit of dirty woman farting and you’ll have elevated your social status amongst the intelligentsia, who are also lying about reading and understanding these books too.
The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao
Does it matter than this book by Junot Díaz details life under Dominican Republic dictator Rafael Trujillo? No, what’s important here is a quizzically ponderous title.
It doesn’t even have to be this book. You could pick any similar sounding titles such as Annie Proveaux’s Long Meandering Walk To The Mournful Train Station, The Slow Rise & Sudden Fall Of Bertrand Pear, The Most Venomous Smile Of Sylvia Nile, The Sombre Tale Of Mrs. O’Driscoll’s Weathered Biscuit Tin or whatever you’re having yourself. Just go ahead and add 400 extra IQ points to your score and call it a day.
If you’re really taking this business of appearing cultured and intelligent seriously, don’t forget to write something along the lines of ‘is it bad that I’ve read all 5? lol’ when commenting or sharing this online.