4 Positives To Being Demonically Possessed

WHILE given a choice, most people would rightly prefer not to be inhabited by a demonic force, but if you are currently possessed by the devil or one of his acolytes you could be well served by looking on the bright side.

If the devil inside you has taken The Exorcist route and begun masturbating using a crucifix it can be hard to remain upbeat and optimistic, which is why WWN has presented you with 4 positives to take from being possessed.

1) You get to learn a new language

You’ve always threatened to learn Italian, French or Spanish, but for whatever reason you’ve never got around to it. Well, you’re in luck now that Beelzebub speaks through your vocal chords because he’s doing so using Latin. Congrats, you’ve finally learned a new language!

2) That flexibility will come in handy

Rotating your head 360 degrees may be causing your parents to weep, scream and pass out, however, just think how jealous that bitch in your yoga class, Sarah, will be when you rock up with a neck that spins around and your new found the ability to crawl on the ceiling.

3) Those bullies from school will be shitting themselves now

You’re the devil’s plaything, but the fact you can speak Latin in a voice deeper than Barry White’s has got to be putting the shits up all those bullies you had in school. Maybe you can throw them across the room and disembowel them using your mind, who knows, you’ve only been possessed an hour or so, the beast that dwells within you hasn’t shown us everything it can do just yet.

4) You’ve an excuse for all that swearing you do

That demon doesn’t half love telling your parents, friends and loved ones in graphic detail about all of the ‘fucking’, ‘anus tickling’, ‘muff diving’ and ‘cock sucking’ it wants to get up to. It’s shocking, disturbing and stomach churning, but why not use the opportunity, in the gaps between all those utterances, to sneak in the odd ‘fuck’, ‘shit’ and ‘bollock’. What are your parents going to do, tell you to wash your mouth out with soap? You’re knee deep in demonic possession, they’ll cut you some slack.