Man Who Quit Smoking Now Eating Up To 30 Pens Per Day


ALTHOUGH local man Kenneth Banlon has successfully beaten the nicotine addiction that held him in its smoky vice-like grip for nearly twenty years, the Waterford City native has admitted that his new pen-chewing habit is costing him a fortune in biros.

Banlon, 47, smoked 30 cigarettes per day until finally extinguishing his habit on January 1st of this year, and is today feeling fitter, healthier and more full of bits of pen than ever before.

Chomping on pens like they’re going out of fashion, Banlon spoke exclusively to WWN about what the next stage of his recovery might entail, stating that while his risks of lung cancer and heart disease have fallen, he is in great risk of stomach lacerations and rectal damage from accidentally swallowing shards of chewed up plastic.

“It’s like shitting fingernails,” said Banlon, chomping on yet another red pen, “I don’t mean to, but I keep swallowing bits of pen. I try to keep to the lid, but inevitably I start biting the pen itself.

“I love the moment when you free the solid bit of coloured plastic from the harder plastic at the top. Then it’s time to get a new pen and away you go”.

We asked Banlon if he should have tried to wean himself off cigarettes with something else, like perhaps an electronic cigarette.

“Christ no”, exclaimed Banlon, cracking open a new pack of Bic Blues, “I have a bit of dignity, like”.